By Deacon Roger Carr-Jones, Marriage & Family Life Coordinator for the Diocese of Westminster
In a good music album, all the songs flow together well, providing a cohesive theme or narrative. When a couple first meet, they bring with them their own unique playlist, which over a life-time is edited and revised, with combined tracks being added.
This melody of married life is not a monotone, instead, as with music, it has varied intonations and a musical scale with multiple notes. Just as God unites into a single melody the universe in all its diversity and myriads of songs, married life enables the couple to share and appreciate their varied song list of life.
Music has the power to transport us back to pivotal moments in our lives, not least when we met that special other. When the play-track of married life is in harmony, then all is well. When the sounds, though, are scratchy and discordant they create unease and dissatisfaction. At those moments we need to retune our lives so that we get back on track. This might involve revising our expectations, listening more attentively and retuning our model of conversation to craft a united pleasing sound.
Though we are drawn to songs that transport us back to a special moment, as our relationship grows, we become aware of the need to reappraise our shared music album. Just as a good songwriter uses different elements to create different styles and atmospheres, marriage does the same thing. Listening to the unique melodies of our shared relationship helps us to notice the overall composition of our marriage album. Authentic music is achieved by being vulnerable, original, personal and innovative. This is exactly what we aim for as we continually attune our lives to one another.
What have been the themes, sounds and lyrics that combine to make up our original marriage album and how have these changed? Just as there are songs that we associate with moments in life, these are never at the expense of being open to adding new melodies and songs. The song tunes of the post-pandemic environment seem discordant as a new societal melody, or melodies, has yet to fully emerge. In married life, we come to notice how, even when the sounds of our relationship differ, there is similarity.
Shared songs cement the bond of love between the couple. There are those moments when we sing-along together, learn to practice ear-training so that we respond to the music of the other, and at other times learn to adjust our headphones so that we can focus. It is the music that is played within our marriage, not at a wedding, that matters the most.
One of the most complex sound tracks in scripture is that of the Song of Songs, a celebration of human and spousal love. It’s unique song-list emphasises, as should the couple’s list, the importance of love in a married couple’s relationship. Our brains interpret music faster than we can explain it. This is why both music and the song sheet of marriage are so powerful. The Song of Songs provides a model of music that is tactile, one expressed through taste, touch, sound and smell.
Sharing our music track of married love never involves erasing the unique sound track of the other. Rather, as we listen slowly and attentively to the music within each other, we find new harmonies in our loving relationship, which create our own great musical symphony.
As we move into the recording studio of our married love, what song would you wish to share? When trying to think of a song that brings together the differing soundtracks and tender lyrics of my marriage, what came to mind was Al Green’s ‘Let’s stay together’!